by Philip Marlowe
People of the United States: Don't you know you are fucking dumb? Governments that buy banks are called socialist. Republicans that support opening our borders and offering amnesty to illegal immigrants are called hippies. Regulatory boards that lower interest rates to 2.25% are called fucking stupid. Don't you people know that the market dictates lending rates and when such equilibrium is undermined by the government, the result is diluted currency and consumer inflation? If your life savings is not currently under your mattress in Aussie dollars, god help you. Yesterday, I somehow found myself in conversations with four different people who closed out their Washington Mutual bank accounts. Four! Oh, and here's my point: I don't feel pity or sorrow for any of you piggies! I turn on the radio. I turn on the local news. And I hear stories about families having to choose between gassing up their SUVs or putting food on their table. I hear stories of people driving 30 miles to Mexico to gas their cars with Saudi drilled, American refined, Mexican subsidized, sub-standard fuel. And you're all fucking morons. If you live so above your means that a mere tremor in the price of goods sends you hurdling over the edge, you probably should have been aborted. And if you live that way and decided it was a good idea to start a family, have children, then you definitely should have been aborted. These are tough times. I get it. But part of being a grown-up requires anticipation and vigilance. I believe they call that "planning ahead". History has taught us time after time that, contrary to popular belief, there is not always joy in Mudville. Sometimes, jetliners crash into skyscrapers. Sometimes, Multinational corporations lie on income statements to shareholders. And the beat goes on. So in conclusion, if I see another fat piggie from Palmdale tell a hot Asian reporter that she had to buy gas instead of eggs this week, I'm gonna blow my brains out.