Poll Position

It's a pun. Get it?

So, we're four days away from the Texas Primaries. And Texas is clearly one big bad banana. The polls are close but Obama is showing a sli-- oh, fuck it. After Tuesday, there's still 750 delegates to go. And Texas is just half of the total up for grab on Tuesday, which is about 440. Sure, it's a big number. The biggest left. But from what I'm reading about Texas's oddball dual primary/caucus system, it's not even worth the effort. Here's how it works: You simply multiply the number of voters in a district's previous election by the current number of voters who show up by dawn carrying campaign signs and pitchforks, then add total sheep farms, subtract illegal border crossings, then carry the 1. And presto: number of delegates awarded. Simple, right? (If you think you can do a better job explaining it, then be my guest.) So anyway, ya, Barack Obama shows a slight lead in Texas over Hillary Clinton in several polls, which may or may not effect who gets the nomination, so fucking what. Can either of them beat General Jack D. Ripper? Well, the answer is maybe. If and only if Ron Paul runs on a third party ticket, earning the vote of actual Republicans who find General Ripper (meaning John McCain for those of you in the cheap seats. Ya, you. Watch a movie in black and white every once in a while.) just as abhorrent and liberal as a woman or black man, thereby inadvertently electing said woman or black man. (See Clinton/Bush/Perot 2000 for less hacky explanation.) Okay. Now that we actually had a serious conversation about politics, let's take a look at shitty campaign ads with our buddy James Kotecki for the Politico.com

Viral Video: Sequencing With Windows Sounds

It's so weird. I write all this bullshit about election politics and get all worked up and whatnot but then I remember that I hate politics and that we have other categories that are way cooler like "Viral Video." Well, here's a really cool video that's been around for a few weeks. This guy loaded all the default MS Windows sounds into a music sequencer. You know, all those annoying chirps and beeps? Well he turned them into music and it sounds awesome. It's way cooler than that Barack Obama Yes We Can bullshit video that sounds like an echo chamber, that's for sure. Check it out:

Ralph Nader Is Running For President

And he's an antisemite. That is all.

Hey.

I've been out of town dealing with personal stuff. I'm back and am getting caught up. Hopefully by the end of today I'll be back into the swing of things and will be able to put up some dumb remarks and a little viral video of the week catch up. Thanks guys. -Marlowe

CNN: Obama Wins Virginia, Based On Absolutely Nothing

I'd just like to reinforce a point I made earlier. No good can possibly come from reporting a victory with zero percent of precincts reporting. Don't they remember Florida?

Super Confused

I haven't written since Super Tuesday. It's mostly because I'm super confused. The Republicans are easy. I continue to look dumb for my anti McCain tirades, but easy nonetheless. It's just the Democrats. Obama claims he won Super Tuesday. Clinton claims she won Super Tuesday. Headlines range from "Not-So-Super Tuesday" to "Who Won Super Tuesday" to "CNN Won Super Tuesday." WTF? NBC news is saying that Obama won by a measly two delegates, which would change nothing. CNN is reporting that Clinton won Super Tuesday by 23 delegates, larger margin but also relatively insignificant. And it gets wackier when you look at the overall numbers. MSNBC is giving Obama 861 delegates and Clinton 855. CNN is giving Clinton 1,033 and Obama 937, but it's asterisked to include pledged delegates and super delegates. Remind me again what the point of primaries are? Oh and the icing on the cake, shouldn't go without saying that declaring victors with 2% of precincts reporting is completely irresponsible? Frankly, I'm tired of sifting through the gobbledygook. Nor do I have the time.

Feeling Super?

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday and everyone and their mother will be covering it. I'm only interested in one thing. What is more accurate? Traditional polling or Internet polling? Nationally, Real Clear Politics is showing poll averages with Hillary Clinton 2.5 points ahead (statistically insignificantly) and McCain 18.3 points ahead. This is clearly vastly different than the Internet support we've been covering over the past year. On YouTube, Barack Obama still outnumbers Hillary Clinton in subscribers by greater than 2 to 1. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney also outnumbers McCain by 2 to 1. And, of course, Ron Paul still outnumbers everyone combined. Oh, and then there's MySpace where Obama outnumbers Clinton in friends by 5 to 1. Well, here are my thoughts: The Internet just isn't what it's cracked up to be. Clinton is more of a white male than Obama, only the kook fringe uses YouTube and only kids under voting age use MySpace. My Solution? Presidential Primaries should be like American Idol. You vote from your cell phone and you can vote as many times as you want. See that? I just fixed America. I can has cookie?

But seriously, folks. I'm really excited to see how tomorrow turns out. No matter what happens, history will be made for both parties. The Democrats will have given the nomination for the first time in history to either a woman or an African Americn. And the Republicans will have given their nomination for the first time ever to either a Mormon or Dr. Strangelove. (Wow, I can't believe I had enough self-control to skip the Sammy Davis Jr. joke.) Until tomorrow.