Out Of Office Text

Like any webmaster (a term I apply loosely), I like to check my traffic statistics. See where readers are finding us. I noticed I get a lot of search engine traffic for the phrase, out of office text. Unfortunately for people search that phrase, they find their way to an old post titled 'Text Message Cheney Out Of Office'. If you've read that post, it is neither useful nor relevant to a searcher looking for what to say in an Out Of Office reply. And because I'm such a helpful kinda guy, I've decided to come up with some Out Of Office replies that might be useful.

1. Hi. I am currently out of the office and will be returning Monday. If the matter is urgent, I'll be checking my office voicemail occasionally. Sorry for any inconvenience, and have a fabulous day. -Peggy in HR

2. Due to heavy work volume, I am currently responding to emails twice daily. At noon and 4pm. If the matter is truly urgent and cannot wait, you may call me at 555-5555. Thank you for understanding and respecting this policy. It's effective, efficient and helps me serve you better. Have a great day. -Marlowe (with help from the fabulous Timothy Ferriss)

3. Jambo! I am on vacation at Sandals all inclusive resort with my hot babe! If you really need something, contact my bitch, Dwight Schrute. Ps, Dwight's gay! J/K LOL! Kisses, Michael Scott





Okay, the next one I use on mom all the time. it's really simple:

4. And then?

As you might imagine, this results in an infinite loop. My mother writes an email about her canasta game. The Out Of Office reply says, "And then?" At which point she replies about getting too much sun on Collins Ave. "And then?" Early bird special. "And Then?" and on and on and on.

And finally:

5. Hey. I'm dropping a deuce. I'll be back in a jiffy.

New Jib Jab Video

In theory, this is supposed to be a blog and I'm supposed to update it from time to time. More specifically, it's helpful when my posts are on topic and keep you abreast of the latest in viral videos and media. Even more specifically, said posts best serve the reader if they pertain to how viral media is effecting the first presidential election of a mature internet age. All of that said, below is the latest Jib Jab video that's taking this series of tubes by storm. So, watch and enjoy, if you're so inclined. If not, scroll below it find a rant by yours truly.



A Rant.
by Philip Marlowe

People of the United States: Don't you know you are fucking dumb? Governments that buy banks are called socialist. Republicans that support opening our borders and offering amnesty to illegal immigrants are called hippies. Regulatory boards that lower interest rates to 2.25% are called fucking stupid. Don't you people know that the market dictates lending rates and when such equilibrium is undermined by the government, the result is diluted currency and consumer inflation? If your life savings is not currently under your mattress in Aussie dollars, god help you. Yesterday, I somehow found myself in conversations with four different people who closed out their Washington Mutual bank accounts. Four! Oh, and here's my point: I don't feel pity or sorrow for any of you piggies! I turn on the radio. I turn on the local news. And I hear stories about families having to choose between gassing up their SUVs or putting food on their table. I hear stories of people driving 30 miles to Mexico to gas their cars with Saudi drilled, American refined, Mexican subsidized, sub-standard fuel. And you're all fucking morons. If you live so above your means that a mere tremor in the price of goods sends you hurdling over the edge, you probably should have been aborted. And if you live that way and decided it was a good idea to start a family, have children, then you definitely should have been aborted. These are tough times. I get it. But part of being a grown-up requires anticipation and vigilance. I believe they call that "planning ahead". History has taught us time after time that, contrary to popular belief, there is not always joy in Mudville. Sometimes, jetliners crash into skyscrapers. Sometimes, Multinational corporations lie on income statements to shareholders. And the beat goes on. So in conclusion, if I see another fat piggie from Palmdale tell a hot Asian reporter that she had to buy gas instead of eggs this week, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

Sling Is In The Air: Attack Ads

Get it? Sling? That's funny.

The John McCain camp busts out with two ads. One targeting Barack Obama as "Dr. No." (If you ask me, I'll take it. My parents always wanted their baby to be a doctor.) The "No" refering to Obama's energy policy which means "no" on offshore drilling, "no" on nuclear, etc. Clearly, a topic he'll need to come around on. (The fear amongst leftys of nuclear power is tantamount to tribal natives fearing a coke bottle.)

And ya can't attack Obama without talking about his flip-flop on public campaign funding. It's sorta remarkable how easy YouTube makes it to launch this sort of campaign. "Web ads," they call them. It seems like you can keep on cranking them out with less thought and quality control than what would be put into national and even local spots.

Cellphone Popcorn

Okay, I'm late to the game with this one, shoot me. This viral's been up for over a week. It's some dudes positioning cell phones in a square around unpopped popcorn. They dial the phones, they ring, and the popcorn starts popping. So what does a cellphone do to your brain? It's so interesting that this just hit the tipping point now. It's gone totally viral. I even heard about it on the radio yesterday. Yet according to Snopes some version of this urban legend has been around since 2000. What happened was this: Cardo Systems, a manufacturer of Bluetooth headsets, created these viral videos to promote sales, making the claim that their product "reduces power output by 99%." As a hypochondriac and conspiracy theorist, I consider this viral campaign marketing gold. Excuse me, I'm gonna go use a circle of 500 cellphones to create a Stargate.

Is It In Yet?

**UPDATE 5PM PST -- OH, IT'S IN

CNN: BREAKING NEWS: Hillary Clinton is willing to take the vice presidential slot on a Barack Obama presidential ticket, New York lawmakers tell CNN.

AP: Clinton says she's open to being Obama's VP

AP: AP tally: Obama effectively clinches nomination

POLITICO: Obama readies for nod while Clinton eyes exit

REUTERS: Clinton campaign says not conceding as race nears end

Oh and now, ladies and gentlemen, my bigoted mother-and-law:

Obama Wants The Gays

Is it offensive when I say, "the gays?" Stop me if it is. Anyway, I got an email this morning saying the the Obama campaign has asked various grassroots Obama groups for their support at the big annual West Hollywood gay pride parade here in Los Angeles. The Obama camp is no doubt nervous that Hillary Clinton's haircut is clearly more gay friendly. Seriously guys, stop me if this offensive. I just love how candidates work to fabricate photo ops, etc. And don't get me wrong, I totally get it. LA is a national trend setter. If the gays in Ohio see the gays in LA supporting Obama, so too will they. Seriously, stop me. Even if this is just boring, stop me. An excerpt from the email:

The Need:
We would like to invite 250 energetic, motivated, diverse Obama supporters who would like to help Obama with Pride/LGBT visibility at the LA-West Hollywood/CSW Pride Parade

John McCain Double Talky

Let me first state that I generally like McCain. He's the son and grandson of four star Navy Admirals (kinda cool) and is himself a Vietnam vet that was locked up and beaten for like 5 years (not cool) on behalf of me and my country (His injuries left him permanently incapable of raising his arms above his head apparently...I mean..wow, that is some serious shit), so no matter what he says or does I'll still respect and admire part of him.

But alas... inevitably there are positives (campaign finance reform) and negatives (Keating Five) to everyone and we must be sure to evaluate ALL the aspects of our Presidential candidates. Thus, I feel obligated to post this clip of McCain blatantly contradicting himself on multiple issues, multiple times A) cause its part of learning about him as an informed voter and B) cause I think its funny when people get called out on shit they say. I mean, hey, if someone followed me around with a camera 24/7, I'd look like an idiot every once in awhile too.

So.. enjoy the clip brought to you by The Real McCain - they claim to have garnered nearly 2 million views with their videos, which, I guess I believe since this video which is only 2 days old and has already clocked 700,000 views. Check it out:

*Side note: I don't hold it against McCain that his middle name is Sidney or that he wasn't actually born in the United States (answer: Panama, August 29th, 1936).

Hillary Clinton on SNL...sorta

The interweb's tube-matrix of magic is the broadcaster to the world and we all get to benefit from its coverage. So, if any of you political junkies out there are like me and continually miss SNL (partially cause its not that funny anymore - side note: don't we all yearn for the bygone eras of Farley/Belushi/Martin ... Hartman/Sandler/Ferrell etc. - and partially cause we have weekend lives), here's the sketch on Hillary Clinton that everyone's talking about. Its quite daft, in a good way. Check it:

I love how SNL just calls HRC out. ha.