BANKING HOLIDAY

I should probably be busy in the lab writing amazingly witty blog posts and honing my comic stylings, but I opted for jumping out my second story window instead. In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea. When I decided to jump, the DOW was down 700 points. But as I lay in the bushes, I can hear the radio from upstairs and it seems the DOW has recovered and is only down 563 points now. Drat. I always jump the gun. In the meantime watch this "shocking video unearthed" of Democrats being dumb and inter-titles made by a ten-year-old. Okay nevermind down 748. And they keep blaming the Jews!

Sarah Palin Swimsuit Beauty Pageant Video

CORRECTION

Ignore the below Viral Video Of The Week. It's crude and I apologize. My Bubbie already called and said she fell out of her chair when she saw it. Shame on me. Rather, enjoy the sensual curves of Sarah Palin in a one-piece sweatin it to the 80s. And when I say sensual curves, I mean dumpy ass. What's next? John McCain hosting a 1992 wet t-shirt competition in Ft. Lauderdale? No wonder my people love him down there.

Viral Video Of The Week

For the record, I just wanna say that I'm by no means proud of posting this video. That is all.

Top 5 Hurricane Ike Clips

There's sorta nothing funnier than reporters facing certain death in the name of responsible journalism. Here are some of the highlights from hurricane Ike live coverage.

1. Geraldo Rivera takes a nasty fall into raw sewage. He even says he's "gonna be the star of YouTube now."


2. Weather Channel reporter blown away by huge gust, keeps reporting.


3. Drunken Dancing Chicken Wastes Anderson Cooper's Flavor.


4. Reporter broadcasts from inside giant swells.


5. (Not hurricane Ike but too funny to not post) Female Weather Channel reporter gets blown into a truck screaming.

Happy Monday!

Viral Video Of The Week

Here at viralroots.com, our top secret proprietary algorithm crunches away 24/7 so that on a fairly regular basis, we can bring you the Viral Video Of The Week. And the algorithm is never wrong. Sometimes it feels wrong when the the Viral Video Of The Week happens to be Ninja Cat, but I assure you, it's not. Don't blame the algorithm. Blame the tubes. Kisses. Marlowe.

Hilarious Anti Sarah Palin T-Shirt

I know our readers aren't exactly the sharpest in the tubes. In fact, when I was showed this I was told it was pro Palin. Well, clearly it's not. You see, once upon a time, a movie came out called JUNO. And JUNO was about a teenage girl having an unplanned pregnancy. She chose to keep the baby. And then, a gal no one heard of named Sarah Palin won the Republican vice presidential nomination. And it just so happens that she has a pregnant teenage daughter. Just like Juno. Hence the T-Shirt. Get it? [Anti Sarah Palin T-Shirt]

MORE ANTI SARAH PALIN T-SHIRTS

New Barack Obama is Boring

What happened to Obama the celebrity? Because Obama the politician is boooorrrriiinngg. He needs to stay on message. Meaning, talk about change, not about what change is. The devil truly is in the details. Make me believe you'll make things better. Don't tell me how. Another $1000 in stimulus? Please! If a thousand dollars could change my life, I'd make a deposit at the sperm bank. And Wall Street regulation? Snooze! Crack down on lobbyists? I don't actually think the average American can tell me what a lobbyist is. And as a private detective/c-list blogger who does know what a lobbyist is, I really don't think a crack down will effect the way I live. I really prefer Obama acting all schticky and cutesy like he did on Letterman.

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton on SNL...sorta

Watch Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton on last night's season premier of Saturday Night Live. The two women address sexism in the campaigns. Its hilarious...check it:

Viral Video Of The Week

This is the latest Microsoft Bill Gates/Jerry Seinfeld "commercial" but it's really more of a short film. It's four and half minutes long and is totally hilarious. Bill and Jerry are feeling out of touch with reality, so they go stay with a normal middle-American family. And hilarity ensues.

Sarah Palin On God And War With Charlie Gibson

Well, at least she backpedals like a real politician.

A brief transcript from the interview:

GIBSON: You said recently in your old church, “Our national leaders are sending U.S. soldiers on a task that is from God.”

[PALIN speaking in an archive clip]: Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right, also for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders are sending them out on a task that is from God.

GIBSON: Are we fighting a Holy War?

PALIN: That’s a repeat of Abraham Lincoln’s words, when he said, first he suggested, never presume to know what God’s will is, and I would never presume to know God’s will or to speak god’s words, but what Abraham Lincoln had said, and that’s a repeat in my comments, was, let us not pray that God is on our side, in a war, or any other time. But let us pray that we are on God’s side. That’s what that comment was all about, Charlie.

Obviously, what Palin says at that speech bears no resemblance to her own explanation given in last night's interview. I've done a little Googling and there's no possible way anyone in their right mind could construe Palin's words as some sort of re-imagining of Abraham Lincoln's words. Now, Lincoln clearly spent a lot of time speaking of god. But, within the context of invoking god as justification for policy, it seems Lincoln was implying the complete opposite of what Sarah Palin said in her speech.

Abraham Lincoln's quote from wikiquote: "Our task should not be to invoke religion and the name of God by claiming God's blessing and endorsement for all our national policies and practices—saying, in effect, that God is on our side. Rather, we should pray and worry earnestly whether we are on God's side."

Attack Ads: McCain Hits Hard With Lipstick and Fact Check

I gotta admit, Obama is sounding desperate in his off-the-cuff speech. It's like he's willing to say anything. It's vaguely reminiscent of the flustered Hillary Clinton that emerged. The Obama people gotta figure out a better way to manage this whole Palin thing. The Karl Rove handbook says go after her strengths. I can see how it's difficult when her greatest strength is that she's a she.

Sarah Palin Wins Vagina Vote

Hot off the presses from Reuters:

"Before the Democratic National Convention in late August, Obama held an 8 percentage point lead among white women voters, 50 percent to 42 percent, but after the Republican convention in early September, McCain was ahead by 12 points among white women, 53 percent to 41 percent, the poll found."

This point swing is something we haven't seen in a very long time. Back in the university days, we used to call a swing like this "statistically significant." How refreshing. Is Samantha Bee right? Are women abandoning that whole pro-choice thing to get a woman into the White House? Just like that, huh? If Democratic women believed in god, I'd say they just sold their soul for vagina. Now of course I sell my soul for vagina every friday and saturday night at bars and clubs, but I sorta expected more from the fairer sex.

John McCain Is NOT A Maverick

Latest attack ad from Barack Obama. "John McCain is more of the same." I didn't get a chance to talk about McCain's RNC speech, but in case anyone cares, I actually thought it was pretty good. Not that I know anything at all about campaign strategy, but it seemed to hit the notes it was supposed to hit and it struck me as sincere. Surprised?

John McCain Wants Ron Paul Support, I Laugh

The Washington Times is reporting that John McCain has his sights set on Ron Paul and his supporters. This is totally hilarious because John McCain is a socialist. "Mr. Paul has refused to endorse Mr. McCain, and Mr. McCain's operatives have refused to let him address the Republican National Convention. " In fact, it seems that the McCain people are playing hard ball by restricting his camp's access to the convention. Says statesman.com,

Paul spokesman Jesse Benton said later that Paul can go to the floor like any Republican House member. But, Benton said, the party has yet to agree to permit Paul to be accompanied by a political aide and someone to keep watch over him.

“We thought we had an agreement over the weekend” enabling Paul to circulate with two aides on the floor among some 260 delegates in his camp. “It looks like there is a hang-up.”

All very interesting stuff. These people really know how to win over your support. I'm sure after being treated like Ralph Nader, Ron Paul is dying to hand over his donor list.

And here's Ron Paul at the Rally For The Republic: